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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Rebuttles to the standard man

I found this list of items titled "What every girl should know about a man" on a random persons blog on myspace. Let me just say...this is fucking ridiculous!

1. We aren’t mind readers!

(really! that's just fucking genius. Last time I checked precognition or any form of mind reading was still technologically incapable of neither are females!)

2. We are not to be used as pawns in trying to make your girlfriends jealous.

(I am sensing some hypocrisy here. Many women are paraded in front of their mates' male friends also. Its wrong in all cases to use a human being as a tool.)

3. When you sleep over never boss me around in bed unless it is during sex.

(I am assuming the female has gone to the male's house and that they are dating or in a one night stand thing. And I hate to break it to you guys, but the female has the right to tell you exactly what she does and does not want to do in sexual acts no matter where she is! or how long you have known each other. If you want her to boss you around in some other fashion that is your business)

4. Smoking is the biggest turn off.

(This is a personal preference and not the same for all men. I would state that I am female, and would prefer a non smoking male also.)

5. It never hurts to work out.

(True! they got one dead on here. physical exercise reduces stress and keeps you healthier. Unless you are a compulsive excercizer who doesn't eat cause she is pressured into looking like an anorexic super model by Cosmo and People magazine...that's not healthy.)

6. The jeans don’t make your ass look fat.Your fat ass makes your ass look fat.

(Actually not true. Different cuts of female pants give the body a different shape, so it is a legitimate question. Although asking an average male for advice on this is like trying to get gold to pop out of a toaster.)

7. If you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask the question.

(Hmmm I bet man wouldn't want to hear the "truth" when he asks how big his penis is? This statement seems like an excuse to be brutally blunt, and that is not called for in most situations. In fact it can be considered down right rude.)

8. “Fine” or “whatever” is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.

(I have heard males and females use this to end conversations...its a word and it has meaning just like the rest of the English language. To be honest, while the phrase isn't usually helpful during a fight, you can't just tell someone what words they can and cant use. That is a violation of their freedom of speech. if you don't like their word usage than don't date them.)

9. If you want sex, just ask.(In case you didn’t already know.)

(This one is actually fairly accurate. Men are in general completely oblivious. If you want a man to notice cues, you actually have to ask him to look for them in general. Their brains are in fact wired completely different than a females. You must ask them to do things bluntly or they wont get it, for many cases.)

10. Don’t expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies. (It takes a lot of guys and their wives to come up with those scripts).

There is something to be said about unrealistic female expectations, however; the reverse is also true. Men, you can not expect to get laid with out complimenting the girl you intend to have sex with. Besides what is the harm in bolstering her esteem and making someone feel good about themselves as long as you are not giving them false expectations of a relationship?

11. Only models are able to wear most of the stuff you see in fashion magazines.

This is true. Unfortunately, women try to attain unrealistic body types due to the pressure of those fashion magazines. Those magazines are a main contributor to low self esteem in females. So please, cut your girl some slack and tell her she looks amazing. The women in the magazine have been photo shopped so much that their beauty is unrealistic.

12. No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in one of the following outfits:French Maid, School girl, bunny, or just plain naked.

This is true for the most part. Most men love to see women naked, especially their own lady. But gentlemen, if you come home and your lady is in such attire, an obvious attempt to make you happy, could you remember to do something nice for her too? Making her dinner would be a nice touch.

13. You don’t need lingerie to look sexy before bed, short cotton shorts and a tank top are fine by us.

It's not about what you think is sexy, most the time. It's about what makes the woman "feel" sexy. If she needs lingerie to feel sexy, then let her. Feeling sexy means that she is going to act sexy, and we all know you men want that.

14. Girls look good naked so stop worrying.

Don't blamer her for being self conscious. Women truly are more self conscious than men. Just tell her she is pretty. Tell her to tell herself that she is pretty also. Ultimately it does not matter if any one besides herself and the person she is in a relationship with believe she is pretty.

15. Sharing your deepest feelings in no way guarantees reciprocity.

True. This is where I have to tell people to just ask for what they need. If the female needs to hear deep feelings from her male counter part, she needs to ask.....very bluntly. This is a big tip for females. If you need anything and your guy actually cares about you then the chances of him saying "no" are slim. So just ask and be blunt. If this male counterpart is not giving you what you need in the relationship after you have asked and he understands, then there is something wrong and you need to reach common ground. Maybe he's not the guy you really need after all.

16. We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you may enjoy, just let us know.

True....going back to the just ask notion. Although asking can ruin the mood of the moment, so ask ahead of time.

17. Every so often no matter whether it is true or not remind us that we have the biggest penis you’ve ever dealt with.

As long as the guy tells us were pretty when we are having a bad day and makes us feel like a million bucks, most females have no problem bolstering their males esteem in return.

18. If were not getting love we’ll start looking…(haha…just kidding…psych…I’m dead serious)

This all depends on the type of relationship the people have established. I would hope that this does not mean that after dating someone for a very long time, that the male would start looking for a one night stand because his woman has a temporary illness, or some such non sense.

19. The greatest thing ever is to watch a girl touch herself.

I thought sex was the greatest thing ever for you guys?!

20. Most of the time when I fantasize it is about another person.

Sadly, about 60% of men and women fantasize about another person while making love. I don't know if this speaks more about our evolutionary past or the way we as humans developed in our current social setting. I think it is highly rude to tell the other partner that you were fantasizing about someone else, especially if you care about them. I would also go as far as saying that maybe the person who is fantasizing about the other person isn't really into the relationship. And then again, maybe it means nothing. Maybe we can have perfectly happy relationships while fantasizing about other people during sex. I would be very unhappy to find out that a male I was dating did not think about me during sex. To me, this signals detachment from the relationship. And I require that my man be attracted to me in order to have sex with me.

21. If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won’t consider it cheating.Actually we strongly promote this behavior.

I'm not bisexual, so i would not prefer this. Some people do. Whatever makes you happy. As long as the female isn't pressured into doing things she does not want to do.

22. Your hair is like 14 inches long, how are we supposed to notice a quarter inch missing.

I know guys are not into noticing details, but please learn to notice the important ones. Hair is a simple pleasure for many women. Complimenting her on her hair before she has told you that she got it cute will earn you HUGE points in her book!

23. You shouldn’t be flattered or grossed out if we get an erection when dancing with you.All we need is Friction.

True. Its a mechanical thing. Actually I don't know any women who are grossed out by this.

24. Porn…hmmm…Porn. Watching porn is like breathing it would just be wrong to ask us to stop.

Depends on the porn. If the guy is into watching women be brutalized, put down, or treated as if she isn't human (which is what much of American porn is about); then watching porn is a bad thing. Thoughts lead to actions. So why is it ok to watch something that encourages often violent thoughts of brutalizing women?

25. We masturbate, usually more when we are in a relationship, can’t explain it but it is just fact.

I don't think this is true for a lot of male female relationships unless they aren't having any sex in the relationship. If the couple is happy and having sex, then the drive toward sex or masturbation is usually decreased. Unless the male has some other condition or sex addiction that would account for this.

26. Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn’t your parents teach you not to quit.

( eh hem. I woman can and should stop any sexual act whenever she wants to. you cant force someone to finish...they call that rape. Pressuring them to finish is just down right jack assish. I would also like to say it is not fair for a woman to tease a man continually by starting and stopping on a frequent basis, although she still has the right to stop each time, in that case she is taking advantage of the situation. But, if the woman becomes frightened or unsure of whether or not she wants to continue she can in fact stop when she wants, and she should not be heckled for it.)

27. Giving head is never a bad idea.

Oh except when she does not want to. Pressuring her to do things that she doesn't want to do is going to create negative associations in her mind, making her dislike the act even more the next time around. The best way to make a woman want to make you happy is to make her happy first. If she likes to give head then great, but try to reciprocate.

28. We are conservationists at heart, water is our biggest love, so shower with us.

LOL well I have found that I use more water with a partner in the shower than without, but it's a nice way to bring a relationship together.

29. There are three acceptable ways to wake up:-(1) You on top of us.(2)Getting head.(3)Some sort of breakfast.

If these are truly the only acceptable ways for the guy to wake up, then he should be waking up alone.

30. We don’t mind going to gay movies with you but don’t tell our friends.

Now you have gone and insulted the gay population. Sorry to inform you that they are often emotion ridden movies, this does not say anything about a movies' presumed sexual preference. And its a very juvenile thing to worry about what your friends think. If you care that much about their approval, why are you friends with them? Real friends like you for who you are. Showing your girl that you care about her by watching her choice of movie shouldn't be something to be embarassed about.

31. You can’t hold it against us if we cry after sports movies or “Old yeller.”

To be honest I dont understand the "watching of sports" tradition, but I know many ladies who do enjoy it also.

32. “The game is on” is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.

Actually this is not true. Relationships first., if you want to keep the girl that is.

33. Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed a serious injury but soft caresses are strongly encouraged.

Deal, but any jabbing, elbowing and shouldering into the breasts should also be considered serious injury. They are sensitive, and I find the common lack of awareness about their sensitivity and location frightening.

34. You’re probably not as funny as you think.

Or maybe you just lack some brain cells to comprehend what she is saying. I have met dumb men and dumb women. The woman is not always the problem.

35. Brad Pitt is probably a cool guy but if I hear one more girl say “he’s so hot” he may have to die.

Alright then thats totally cool with us. being a woman i particularly hate this kind of chatter. However, in return i'd like to discontinue hearing "pamela anderson is such a babe..did you know she can...XXX?!" also. more hypocrasy and double standards...thats nice.

36. Your period should be referred to as Blowjob week.

(No woman is ever required to give any man a blowjob for any reason if she doesn't want to. The implication of this statement is that a woman is required to give up some sort of sexual act in return for nothing during her many guys are gonna want to eat a woman out who is on her period? ...very few. Im sorry but having a period does not some how make a woman required to please a man in any way. )

37. Cooking makes a girl that much more attractive especially if she can use a grill.

(Right of course it does?! i would say this is personal opinion also, but there was just a touch too much chauvinistic in that statement to let it lie. eh hem...for the past generation women have been holding professions equal to that of their male spouse. This means that if the work is equally split than the house chores should also be equally split...including cooking.)

38. You can’t get mad if we refuse to hook up your “ugly friend” with one of our friends.

Not all of the man's friends are attractive either. It might be that the guys ugly friend is perfect for the chic's ugly friend.

39. For every fart that slips out when you are around we successfully hold in about 15, enduring excruciating pain to do this.

Right, and I suppose you want us to clap for you too.

40. If we want to take naked pictures of you it is because we are proud and want to show you off to our friends.

(referring to question number 2. Um didn't you say that guys weren't to be paraded around and shown off to friends to make them jealous....oh but wait a man can take a naked pic of his woman and show it to his guys!!! UM NO. you fucking hypocrite. So here is a thought...why can't you be proud of your woman's accomplishments?)

41. The red light means the video camera is off.

Video taping a person while they are unaware is illegal. Play nice. Men don't have the right to video tape someone who is unaware. If she wants it that's cool, but being unaware of it is totally unjust.

42. A guy should be considered sensitive if he asks whether you want to do it with the lights on or off.

Doesn't sound like this guy is going to have more than a one night stand for a long time.

43. Whip cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments for ice cream also Altoids just don’t make your breath fresher.

As my personal opinion, sex is already dirty enough so why would i want any food items on me as well? Being very obsessive compulsive about the cleanliness of my genitals, this idea is vile!

44. Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control.(Unless operating means handing it to us.)

Share and share alike. Compromise. Just cause your a guy doesn't mean you have unalienablerights to have the remote control. Thats just silly.

45. The only thing left to be said after sex is “goodnight.”

Compromise. Granted we know you guys cant stay awake for long, but talking a little is a requirement. Most women are fairly understanding about this, so men can be too.

46. Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only encourage us to play more often.

Actually video games improve hand eye coordination and reaction time, not fingering skills. The only thing improving your finger skills would be practice...on a female. So you wont be encouraged to play video games, but we can encourage some other activities.

47. Critiquing our driving is only second to critiquing our love making.

Most women don't see themselves as critiquing or nagging, they view themselves as giving useful information. Stop being so defensive. Maybe she has a good idea. Also, encourage her to talk. driving in highly conjested city scapes can be very draining. She can help you see cars that one persons brain can not.

48. Guys nights out are sacred events.If we answer questions we could be castrated.

Sacred...hardly. Women are trusting their man not to lie to them and cheat on them while they are out. Not ansering questions only makes the guy look suspicious. Don't be suprised if not ansering questions leads to some relationship insecurities. In fact what you should do is answer the questions in detail. This shows that the guy has nothing to hide, and if something risky happens you should tell her. Your going to win more points by telling the truth than by lieing. And in exchange for a guys night out, you have to at least entertain the idea of having a date night with your girl.

50. If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least entertain the idea of having sex in a changing room.

You'd be at a higher success rate to suggest sex in a non public place...maybe the car.

51. 99.5% of the time we didn’t mean to hurt you.

(Unfortunately, this is most likely true. However, it doesn't excuse plain old carelessness. Say you have said the same thing three times and it "accidentally" hurt the same person. They tell you it hurts their feelings after the first time, so you what "accidentally continue to slip up? I don't think so. Learn from your mistakes!)